What Mommy Says and What They Hear

What Mommy Says: “Boys, it’s time to get ready for school. Bring your dishes into the kitchen please, and let’s get your teeth brushed.”
What They Hear: “Boys, show Mommy how you can balance a plate on your head, swordfight with your forks, and dance a jig while holding your crotch.”

WMS: “Uhm…boys…does either of you need to go potty before we get into the car?”
WTH: “Boys, why don’t you see if you can both peepee at the same time without getting any on the toilet or the floor or each other.”

WMS: “Did you wash your hands, boys?”
WTH: “Boys, why not squirt soap all over each other?”

WMS: “Here are your lunch boxes – can you put them in your backpacks, please?”
WTH: “Wander around the house and seek out things you can cram into your backpacks. Don’t forget your stuffed animals, super hero action figures, and the monster trucks that Grandma sent for Christmas. Did you get your art supplies, in case they don’t have any at school today? Okay, good, now you can yell at me because you can’t fit your lunch box into your backpacks, please.”                                               

WMS: I know you went potty, but did you brush your teeth, boys.
WTH: Boys, run upstairs and get your Hot Wheels toothbrush because I know you certainly must be tired of using the Power Rangers one like you have been every-other-morning-for-the-past-three-months! Don’t forget the detour into your bedroom to practice juggling and visit with your weapons collection, since you can’t bring any of it to school.”

WMS: “Okay – good job on those teeth.”
WTH: “Okay – climb up on the sink so you can admire your teeth in the mirror. Push and shove until one of you falls into the bathtub.”

WMS: “Alrighty…let’s get those coats and shoes on, boys.”
WTH: “Boys, go ahead and have a shoe fight while trying to figure out whose shoes are whose. Never mind your little brother or the window or any other fragile thing in your path.”

WMS: “Okay, okay! Enough! Just.Go.Out.The.Door. Your brother and I are right behind you!
WTH: “Okay, okay! Shuffle your feet and bounce off the porch walls and each other on the way out to the driveway. Try to squeeze through the door at the same time. Drop your backpacks in the big puddle next to the car. Then hide! Hide! Hide! Quick!

WMS: “C’mon, boys! I don’t want to be late for work!”
WTH: “C’mon boys! I’m always late for work!” (I know they think this because I overheard one of them tell his teacher, “Mommy’s always late for work,” which is not true, you can ask my manager.)

WMS: “Phew. Finally! Boys, what do you think we could do to make it easier to get out the door in the morning?”
WTH: